How to Gain Weight Quickly

You know this is your true goal. Hardy-har-har.

I keep seeing articles about how to lose weight. People, this is not the answer! I tell you, you need a different mindset and solution. Good thing I know how to gain weight quickly — even 130 lbs. I’ve done it over the last 20 years. It’s rather simple really. Let me share my tips with you!

Medication with the Side Effect of Weight Gain

First, have an illness that requires medication with the side effect of extra hunger. Many mental illness medications will do that for you. (Okay, some balancing illness and side effects may be necessary.) This is how I gained my first 30 lbs. Even lots of exercise sometimes — like 3 hours of dancing, biking, and/or walking — won’t combat this.

Don’t Sleep at Night

Second, have manic episodes where you can’t fall asleep at night. This way you are tired during the day and can’t burn as many calories. I also suggest bedtime revenge procrastination. You have lots of stress and you feel out of control. This is how I gained probably lots of pounds. Honestly, I have no idea how much it contributed.

Overeating Because You Feel a Loss of Control

Second, engage in a binge eating disorder, but it can’t include any purging. Don’t worry. Just pretend you want to gain control in your life by the one thing you feel you can control: how much you eat. Or rather, that you have to eat when a cafeteria prepares it only three times a day. If you miss one, goodbye to a meal. So you overeat at each meal. I did this by eating extra food at each available meal. By the way, this habit will continue years after if you let it. This was probably some cause for 20/30 lbs. while starting new medications. Add another 10–20 lbs after that for feeling unable to control when I could eat.

Don’t Feel Normal

Getting on the right medication for the right diagnosis, thus reducing stress, will combat the weight gain process. I mean, that makes it so you sleep normal, eat normal, be normal. Sadly, I lost 10–15 lbs while staying extra busy. Too busy until I crashed after marriage. Wait, I may have been a little manic.

Bad Job, Birth Control Good for You

When you crash, make sure to crash real hard. Stay in a crummy job where they harass you, and go into a depressive mode for a few months. Oh, I forgot. Be on hormonal birth control too like so many women are at the same time as all the other fun stuff.

Shame, Shame Morning Sickness

But watch out for morning sickness during pregnancy. That will make you lose 16 lbs. Your ob/gyn will say it’s not a fun way to lose weight, but the results are good. (By the way, I switched to another doctor for the rest of my pregnancy. I wonder why.)

The key after that is to feel stressed and have a remaining binge disorder for a few years more. Oh, and joblessness. And post-partum depression. And switching to an even more infamous weight-gaining med. Pushing a stroller around with another friend may combat some of your progress. But drinking lots of lemonade to calm your stomach during your third pregnancy will help you gain back some weight.

Repeat the Cycle

You need to keep stressing over life. I can’t emphasize stressing enough. I mean it activates that cortisol, fight-or-flight, the lizard brain, increased hunger, all kinds of good stuff. You can do some exercise stuff, which will defeat your weight gain purpose. Luckily, the stress will usually kick back in. And don’t you dare learn coping techniques.

Bad Events, Trauma, All Fun Stuff

So my third son had a near-fatal accident three years ago and the family all had PTSD after. I can’t recommend this mysterious brain injury more. I mean, I gained 30 lbs. Don’t read The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk or get therapy. These might heal that brain injury. I mean, I had the best effects from PTSD, like anger, night terrors, blowup moments, and stress.

I can’t stress avoiding trauma-informed therapy enough — like exposure therapy, psychoeducation, EMDR, cognitive behavioral training, prayer and meditation, exercise, or talk therapy.

A Crappy Night’s Sleep

Now gaining weight might cause beneficial things like obstructing your airways at night. This is fun because you have sleep apnea, thus less oxygen at night. Crappy sleep will help you gain weight and increase your stress level. Don’t get help for sleep apnea — like a CPAP, mouth device, or oxygen at night.

Finally, Don’t Learn to Manage Stress

Stress is the best way to gain weight. I don’t recommend anything like professional help, exercise, meditation, coping techniques, a life coach, or adequate sleep. I mean stress probably caused most of my weight gain.

Seriously, Though

Yes, I have told you a tale of woe because I am sick of seeing quick hacks to a very real problem of obesity and eating disorders. Or the extremes of the body positivity movement that celebrates obesity. This is a serious epidemic that leads to many problems such as heart disease, high blood pressure, compromised immunity, lack of movement, and a shortened life span. Likewise, excessive weight loss causes many health problems too.

We must strive for balance and moderation, stress reduction, and accept that we can’t control outside circumstances. I personally recommend finding people to help you in your journey to be a healthy weight for you. Find friends, family, support groups, doctors, coaches, and so many others.

Lastly, our bodies are a divine gift. I’m working on how to take care of it. I imagine you are too. Let’s not get caught up in the extremes, but find what works for our bodies.

Lots of love!

Crazy Redheaded Lady

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